Tis been a while...sorry, but was distracted by an obsessionposted Jul 30th 2005, 12:42PM
Music: 'Liquid Sky' by Solar Quest
Hello everyone.
Tis been a while since I last updated.
Hmmm, I've noticed quite a transformation in myself. I'm now a hermit, being occupied by quite an obsession.
What obsession be that, you wonder?
He he, video gaming it be.
Been playing vid games like there's no tomorrow. Gawd, dunno why I find these few games so particularly addictive... -.-" dang!
I tell you tis gonna be the death of me.
But now, to a different perspective.
As I sit back and type I pour out a new feeling and thought that has entered my mind just recently. I realised that being at home I feel like a different person.
I feel...like an empty shell...
I do. Literally. I feel as though my soul has sort of left my body and all that is left within this vessel of flesh and bone is the little bit of remainder sentience / consciousness.
Is this death of a mind? Painless, but noticeable...feels like I'm heading towards oblivion.
And what's more scary, is the fact that it happens so slowly and obviously. And yet there's nothing I can do. I feel like a person staring at this object which is representing my current fading state and my hands try to grasp it, heck even touch it. But there can't seem to be no contact and I feel nothing.
Tis like grasping air.
Strange huh?
Prolly tis the rotting of the brain. Too much of the same scenery everyday.
Change is important. When something stays the same, stagnancy happens. Evolution is change. Evolution is survival. I gotta evolve. I gotta change. Gotta have new things coming in, the juices of the brain processing or churning or moving or whirling, and then new things out.
Or...
Maybe tis just the fear?
Yeah, fear...
I have indeed been looking out into the horizons, or peering into the realm of inner thought.
Questions pop up...
What exactly is my purpose? What is my potential? What is my talent? What is my true calling? What is it that I'm supposed to do?
I have this theory that everyone has a specific talent that they can contribute for the good of all living things. Just that the society and the way the world revolves today sort of, majority of the times, supress such a powerful potential.
I mean as an example, there're people who can write well and they can contribute in ways of ideas, philosophies and thoughts with the medium of words. There're people who can draw and contribute in ways of concepts, self expression and possibilities with the medium of visuals. There're people who can sing and can also express, help people find the right words, sooth souls and touch hearts with the medium of voice. Just some of the examples and many more of course, some even being mixtures of the above mentioned.
But I haven't found what is my talent, my potential, my contributive power. Sometimes I felt the best I could do is to support people. But is that really my potential? Or am I just being a nice person?
I feel I have this knack of pointing out flaws within people after observations, nicely of course at first, more harshly if the mistakes are repeated a second time and again for the following times. To be able to tell out exactly the problem and try to help the person change for the better. But is that really my potential? Or am I just being judgemental?
I feel I have this strong urge to protect the innocent. But is that really my potential? Or am I just being over protective?
I feel I have this need to make things balanced. To make both sides as happy as possible. But is that really my potential? Or am I just being a peacemaker?
I feel all I have to do in life is to just serve the ones I love. But is that really my potential? Or am I just being insecured, doing so in hopes that I'll get the same love as I give out back?
Tis scary when you sit and think, and realising you're at this age but you haven't found your true potential yet. You haven't found your purpose yet. I'm not old in terms of age but I feel I have ran out of time. Many people have said that I'm still young and still have alot of time, although some said otherwise and I sort of agree with the latter. In this day and age of today's society, life demands so much from you at this age. You don't exactly have the luxury of time to sit back and learn and find out new things. No time for exploration, trial and errors. The only time left is the time to make up your mind NOW with ONE choice and move on. But what if that choice made is not a right choice? What if all this while, I have stepped and walked down the wrong path? I'm talking about career of course in this sense.
I've always told myself that the reason for living is my loved ones. Nothing other than that. But sometimes I do ask. Is that really my reason for living or is it something else?
So much paranoia and so many questions. People would think me a mad man. Lol.
And sometimes I feel that I belong nowhere. I am but a mere being floating within the space of existance, just existing, just...there.
And yeah, another thought did pop in again a few days ago, a thought that as a young child I always had, always brought up but never had answers or an explanation. I looked at my hands and I look at other people. I see their faces, see their bodies, see their existance. But I can never see my own face, except when facing a mirror.
Tis like I'm in an armour looking through the visor. When inside the armour you can't see how the armour looks like the way people see it unless you step out. Or like when you play a first person shooter game and all you can ever see is everything but your own face. Tis like you have this vision to see everything that's going on around you and only you seem to be able to 'see'. Other people seem to be like machines that interact with you.
So now, why is this 'vision' within this body? Within this armour of flesh and blood? Why this body? Why not another body? And why is it that I feel that my eyes are the only eyes that can see the world? Strange indeed. Weird to say the least.
I mean, here I sit and when I look around and see my hands, I just feel weird.
Strange thoughts huh? But it does sometimes result in an out-of-body experience.
Maybe I'm babbling here. Lol. But these are the thoughts that play within my mind. And don't worry, I'm not crazy. These are just the thoughts I sort of play with when I sit and ponder. Sort of reaching out my senses beyond my body, beyond this realm. Asking countless questions, each questions opening a door to possibilities and sometimes allows not only for the mind to go through but also for the soul to surpass the body. Delusion perhaps for the latter? Or truly the experience? Who knows?
Oh well, I guess my entry ends here for today. May all have happiness. =)
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